


Mushin (no shin)

by Cee693



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Happy Ending, Speculation of 4.01 based on promos and spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 10:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12318996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cee693/pseuds/Cee693
Summary: When Barry returns from the speed force a different man, Iris has to navigate her maze of confusion and grief in order to get him back.





	Mushin (no shin)

**Author's Note:**

> I so badly wanted to dive into the complex emotions and feelings Iris must have had these past few months, but that would require a huge amount of time and nuance I just don't have right now. =(
> 
> So this is my attempt to condense all of that in the shortest possible way in between classes.

**Mushin (無心; Japanese mushin no shin; English translation "no mind") is a mental state meaning "the mind without mind" and is also referred to as the state of "no-mindness". That is, a mind not fixed or occupied by thought or emotion and thus open to everything.**

 

The house was filled with a tension Iris had never experienced before.

At least not with Barry.

Iris carefully turned over in bed to look at him.

His head was turned a little away from her so she couldn't tell if he was still awake or asleep.

He was so still, almost unsettlingly so.

He'd never been like that before. Even when he was asleep, he'd never been this still.

This was yet another change Iris tried to accept.

When she'd first raced to CCPD after getting the call from Cecile, she hadn't been ready for what she saw.

Barry standing in the middle of the room, eyes flickering in a dozen different directions, hands twitching rapidly at his side.

He just looked so out of it.

So completely lost.

After everyone was reunited at the station, Iris had decided it was best to take Barry home to rest.

She thought it would do him some good to be back in the comfort of his own house after so long.

But, now she didn't know if a good night's sleep would be all he needed to come back to himself. 

He hadn't said much of anything since he'd seen her.

Cecile mentioned that Barry had been found naked in the middle of a dirt road and Iris wondered just what he'd gone through in the speed force.

The fucking speed force.

The mystical fucking life force that Iris hated with every fiber of her being.

It lied to her. 

It said Barry wouldn't be in hell.

It said he would finally rest.

It hadn't taken more than a few seconds of seeing Barry again for Iris to realize something was very, very wrong with her fiancé.

And now she could only pray they could find their way back to some kind of normal.

In the car ride home, Barry hadn't really said anything aside from muttering about velocity and light and diamonds.

When they both walked into their apartment, Barry looked around slowly turning as if taking the entire space in.

Iris had hung back and watched him touch ornament after ornament, surface after surface. 

It was the third time Iris'd had to lead Barry into the home they built together and have him look around as if he were seeing it for the first time.

She hated it.

Barry noticed her bare left hand during dinner.

Iris' stomach dropped and she braced for the onslaught of sad questions or anger.

But, Barry only stared.

He stared for so long, Iris wondered if he was even still with her.

She offered up no explanation, though she fought the bubbling urge to.

What would she say?

How could she explain her complex feelings of what he did six months ago when he was like this?

Would he understand?

Would he not want to stay in their apartment tonight?

Or would he agree with her choice?

She didn't know which scenario was worst.

But, after a few more excruciating minutes Barry blinked as if coming back to himself and he returned his attention to his plate of food.

He didn't say anything further about his missing ring.

So, Iris put her hand in her lap and watched him stare at his untouched food before he started arranging and rearranging it in an eerily, methodical way.

Iris suggested they go to bed not soon after when he'd unscrewed their table salt and began drawing weird symbols into the pile he spilled with his fingers.

Barry had at first offered to sleep on the couch, saying simply "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

Iris immediately shut that notion down. The idea of him not being right beside her after finally getting him back terrified her more than she ever could've thought.

Barry didn't answer either way, he just let her lead him upstairs and get them both settled into bed.

And now she lay in bed, still awake even hours later.

She tried to swallow her fear and her panic at his odd behavior.

Worried thoughts raced across her mind and she wondered when this nightmare of almosts and lost time would finally end.

Barry sighed and turned towards her.

Iris watched him sleep for a while before running a gentle hand along his face.

Even with his facial hair, it was soft to the touch. 

He looked more familiar like this.

Less twitchy, less haunted. He almost looked like hers.

She shuffled as close to him as she could and wrapped her arms around him, grateful when he didn't wake up.

His warmth immediately relaxed her muscles. 

And somehow, with Barry in her arms, Iris succumbed to the most peaceful sleep she'd had in half a year.

 

Until she was woken up with a heavy feeling that something was off.

Iris instinctively reached for Barry, but he was gone. His side of the bed cold and empty.

She sat up and realized it was the sound of running water that'd woken her up.

Iris was out of bed and in their bathroom in an instant.

"Barry?" she called from the door.

No answer.

She stepped inside and saw the definite outline of someone in the shower, running their hand along the fogged up, opaque glass door.

"Barry," she tried again.

When she got close enough, Iris saw Barry's now-familiar symbols written over and over again in the fog on the shower doors and mirror over the sink.

"Barry, what are you doing?" Iris asked in shock when she peeked inside the shower.

Barry was standing there, still in his sleep clothes, frantically drawing symbols and shapes on the glass.

He seemed completely unbothered by the water soaking his clothes and his hair.

"Barry!" Iris stepped inside; not bothering with her clothes either. "What are you doing?! It's the middle of the night. Can you hear me?"

She knew he could. He stopped writing long enough to peek at her through the corner of his eye. His hand faltered like he was unsure of himself.

"It's okay. Let's get out of here, okay?" Iris prodded gently, careful not to spook him. "Let's just go back to bed, yeah?"

But, Barry blinked and turned back to the shower door.

Iris didn’t know if it was the late hour or fear or maybe just the pressure of months and months of heartache, but she felt something break inside of her and she couldn't hold up whatever wall on strength she'd clung to all this time.

She felt everything come crashing down and she put a hand to her mouth when a sob ripped its way out.

Barry's hand slipped and he accidently wiped away a large chunk of what he'd written. 

He didn't turn to Iris, but he didn't try to start writing again either.

"I know you're in there, baby," Iris whispered brokenly when she was able to catch her breath. "I know you can hear me."

"I tried to keep going. To keep running like you said," Iris revealed softly when he didn't answer. "I can't run by myself anymore, Barry."

She stepped up to him and put her head on his chest.

Barry's breath hitched, but he kept his hands at his side.

Iris pulled him tightly to her, hands running through the back of his wet hair.

"Please come back to me," she pleaded in his ear. "Please, come back to me, Barry. _Please._ "

When several minutes passed and Barry did nothing to comfort her, Iris knew her begging was a lost cause.

At least, Barry allowed her to turn off the shower and lead him back to their bedroom to change clothes.

Her back was turned to him and she was putting their wet clothes in the hamper when she finally heard him speak.

No mumbling; his voice was clear and steady.

"Your hair is different."

Iris almost dropped the shirt she was holding. She wheeled around. "What?"

"Your hair," Barry gestured to the top of her head slowly. "You cut it all off."

"Yeah," Iris chuckled, tears flooding her eyes. "Yeah I did."

She thanked God that he finally seemed to be coming back to himself; she didn't bother to wonder what had cured him.

But, Barry didn't look happy at all. 

He shuffled his feet and ducked his head.

"Did you do that because of me?" he asked, almost shyly. "Because of what I did?"

"What? No, I just needed a change that's all," she tried to assure him.

"I'm sorry," Barry said, unconvinced.

"Hey, it's okay. You're back now," Iris promised, smiling.

"It's not okay," Barry shook his head. "I shouldn't have sprung all of that on you. Especially not when you were so happy to move in with him. I was being selfish and a coward and it's my fault you two broke up."

Iris realized they were having two very different conversations. "Huh?" she asked dumbly.

"I'll talk to Eddie at work tomorrow. I'll tell him I was the one who kissed you. That you only kissed back cause you thought we were going to die," Barry rambled quickly.

Iris' burst of hope fleeted once again.

"Please don't cry. I'm sorry, Iris. I'm so sorry. I'll fix this," he assured. He took a step forward and when Iris closed her eyes, Barry paused and frowned.

"That's... not right," he realized slowly. "That's not... there was a gun and a black hole. And w-we were on Joe's porch."

He suddenly looked drained and apprehensive. He swayed noticeably.

"It's okay," Iris repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. She shook her head and put the grief aside once more.

She held Barry up and pulled him back to bed.

And although he tried to protest, his clear exhaustion was no match for his confusion. 

His eyes started to droop as soon as his head touched his pillow and Iris stroked his hair in order to distract the scream that threatened to rip through her. "We'll fix this okay? Everything will be alright."

Barry was asleep in seconds.

Iris didn't attempt to sleep again.

 

When he woke up hours later, Barry was even worse than before.

Instead of barely saying a word, Barry starting speaking the most discombobulated sentences Iris had ever heard.

His mind seemed to be a jumbled mess and he jumped from one topic to another, never finishing a thought.

And his memories seemed to be melted together.

He kept asking after his parents even though he remembered his battles with Zoom and the Reverse Flash.

He apologized to Iris again for breaking up her and Eddie, but an hour later he demanded to know where her engagement ring was.

And it took Barry a long time to remember even remember who Wally was even though his first instinct had been to pull Wally into a tight hug and ask him if he'd kept his promise when he saw him at STAR Labs.

The team finally came to the tough decision to lock Barry in the pipeline when it became clear he couldn't control his speed anymore either.

After that Barry went back to not really speaking and drawing his strange symbols on the walls of the small cell.

And he violently refused to see anyone.

Except Iris.

She'd sit on the floor outside his cell as often as she could between work and trying to stop a samurai meta who was becoming a huge problem.

During the first two days in the cell, Barry tripped over his words, trying to describe all he could to her about the completely nonsensical thoughts in his head.

Iris didn't know if he was making them up on the spot, or if the speed force had tortured him so much, he'd honestly just lost his mind.

"I've seen it, Iris. You create a warrior and make a sunrise. And they're magnificent," Barry rambled excitedly during one of her visits. "They're perfection."

He talked about warriors and sunrises a lot. Warriors and sunrises and golden statues and superhuman winds and metal faces.

Iris always tried to talk him out of his gibberish and eventually, Barry just shut down again. 

Going back to frantically scribbling symbols on the walls, seemingly ignoring her altogether.

But, Iris didn't stop trying to reach him.

The sadness and grief she'd been secretly carrying with her didn't fit in the pipeline. There was no room for them there.

So, instead she held onto her strength and the belief she's had in Barry Allen their entire lives.

She talked for hours on end about their old lives together. About all his successful battles as the Flash, about all the plans they'd tentatively made when her future had been up in the air. 

She bypassed any talk about her grief, about the walls she'd put up in trying to keep her promise to him.

In true fashion, she kept those feelings tight to her chest, but she got as honest as she could with him in every other way.

And even though he never uttered a word, Iris was steadfast. Because it was all she had.

"Cisco mentioned a few days ago about something he'd found in the old notes Tracy Brand left behind," Iris revealed early one morning. 

She'd already been in the pipeline for over an hour and she knew she had to leave soon to make it to CCPN on time.

Barry hadn't said anything to her. He just alternated between putting his marker to the wall and standing stock still, his head tilted slightly in her direction.

"Something about anchors. Tethers, I think," she recounted softly.

"Things that keep you steady and grounded when you're surrounded by an immeasurable amount of energy. Things that help you find your way back," Iris said quietly, looking at her hands. "Or people."

There was a long stretch of silence. Barry began to write.

Iris eventually stood and dusted herself off.

"You returned and now I have to help you remember," Iris told him with a determination that raised his heckles somewhere in the distance of his mind.

But, he couldn't bring himself to stop writing and turn around.

Not until she turned to leave and said, "I love you, Barry. More than anything."

Barry lowered his hand at that and turned to face her.

Iris was already standing by the exit. When she saw him staring at her, she gave a tearful smile. "I know that you'll come back to me," she said.

And then she was gone.  
__________________________________________________________________________

Barry had gotten used to the routine in his cell.

He'd grudgingly accepted that he'd be in there for a while.

Cisco and Joe and Wally didn't understand.

But, Barry didn't fault them too much. They hadn’t experienced all the wonderful things he had.

The cell was compact and inconvenient.

He couldn't run freely in here like he wished.

Couldn't become one with the speed force like he yearned to. 

But, he found a silver lining in being able to write down all the thoughts in his head.

Barry could let all the beautiful words and signs flow from where they sped across his brain and onto the four walls of his cell without disruption and interruption from his old team.

He didn't know what to make of his friends and his family these days.

The way they'd been acting since he returned was perplexing to say the least.

Barry couldn't believe that they didn't seem to care for the brilliant colors and images that appeared to pop out of the flat surfaces he wrote on.

He was frustrated by their lack of reaction to all that he was showing them.

It was almost as if they weren't seeing what he saw at all.

All they cared about were trivial things. Things that didn't matter. Food, suits, and petty criminals that needed to be stopped- they were insignificant in the presence of the secrets the speed force had given to him.

He tried every day to share what he knew with them all, because they were important to him.

But, they ignored what he tried to show them.

So he ignored them. He ignored their concern and their pleas and their worry.

He knew they meant well, somewhat. But, he didn't have time for their fear.

And it frustrated him the most that their worry seemed to influence Iris.

She was the most important person in all of this.

The speed force had shown him _so_ much about Iris.

It was as if her soul had been laid out for him to see, to touch in a way he never thought was possible.

But, since their reunion, he knew Joe and the others had warned her away from whatever he said.

Iris was cautious. She constantly tried to steer Barry away from writing and the speed force altogether.

And it mostly worked, even as he tried to fight it. She was the only thing that could somehow tear him away from the insatiable need to write down all he'd learned.

This comforted him and frustrated him.

She usually came to him four or five times a day so he tried to draw as much as he could in between visits.

He didn't like when she spoke-it always drew him out of his important work.

Always drew him to a place that was a magnificent world all on its own, where nothing and no one else but the two of them could enter.

Not even the all-knowing speed force.

And it was a place he couldn't afford to go. Not when he had so much still to write down.

But, all the same, Barry yearned for the moments when she was near and everything was silent.

In the moments when she just sat there with him and didn't say a word, when her heartbeat somehow both slowed his own down and ran to catch up with his, Barry felt a peace not even the speed force could offer.

And the longer she stayed away, the more he hoped he'd get another moment like that again.

Today, she was running late. She hadn't been back yet since she told him she loved him.

It'd been well over three hours.

He'd counted his heartbeat to keep time.

As if on cue, he heard the familiar sound of someone entering the pipeline.

"Barry," a strangled voice said.

Barry turned slightly. That wasn't Iris.

It was Joe.

"Barry, can you hear me, son?" Joe asked.

Barry kept writing, having no reason to stop.

"It's Iris," Joe revealed sadly.

Barry's hand froze and he felt a quick surge of electricity course through his hands as they braced.

He didn’t speak, but Joe pressed on anyway.

"There's a meta. We've been trying to stop him for days now. He was asking for the Flash," Joe tried to explain. Tried to make sense of what the hell just happened.

"Iris- she just walked right up to him. She told him who she was to you," Joe said, still shaking in disbelief. "He-he took her. Iris is gone."

"Where?" Barry asked. He dropped his sharpie and slipped on his shoes.

"I can't let you out, son," Joe said mournfully, knowing what was in Barry's head. "You're not in control right now. You could get the both of you killed. I'm just telling you because you have the right to know what's going on."

And all at once, Barry felt as if he'd come back to shore after spending a lifetime in a beautiful land deep underwater.

For the first time in over six months, Barry became aware of his senses.

The smell of rubber in his cell.

The sound of Joe sniffling as he shifted his weight.

The sight of Joe's ashen face looking at him with heartbreak.

The feel of Barry's own heart clenching and plummeting.

"Cisco is vibing her location now," Joe told him. "Wally's hurt pretty bad, but he's healing fast. And as soon as Cisco finds her, Wally and CCPD are going to move in."

Barry nodded and slipped on the sweater Iris had brought him so he wouldn't be too cold.

"I'll help then," Barry assured. "I'll find her."

"Just open the door and tell me where he took her," he asked once again.

He could hear the urgency in his own voice and the sudden magnitude of the force he felt coursing through him gave even him pause.

"Barry-" Joe tried again.

"Now, Joe!" He demanded harshly before taking a breath. " _Please._ "

"I can't let you out," Joe repeated mournfully. "I'm sorry, but I can't let you out."

Barry scoffed and tried not to yell in anger.

He turned his back to Joe and paced the small length of the cell.

He knew Joe thought he was doing the right thing.

Thought he was protecting the both of them from Barry's own chaos.

But, he was making a mistake.

Iris was in real danger.

Barry could feel it.

He remembered her last visit.

At the time he’d been preoccupied with keeping his pen moving, but looking back at what she'd said to him her intent was clear.

She'd planned this.

And she was running out of time.

Barry knew he could find her. He knew the speed force would help him. He just needed to get out.

"Wally and Cisco'll find her, Barry. And then we'll stop Samuroid," Joe assured him, not allowing himself to think otherwise. "I just need you to stay here. Alright? Just take a breath and-"

Joe never got the chance to finish because suddenly there was a bright burst of yellow light and then a sound like thunder before he was thrown back in a gust of wind.

Joe recovered quickly, but it took a minute for him to realize he was on the floor surrounded by shards of glass and that the pipeline was wide open.

And that Barry was nowhere in sight.

 

Of the times Iris had imagined the chance to fly through the sky, she never pictured an ancient looking metahuman tightly clutching her arms and sailing her towards the place he'll most likely kill her.

When they reached his lair, Samuroid didn't even bother to fully touch down to earth before he let go and deposited her on the hard floor.

Iris had to use her hands to break her fall and immediately knew her left wrist was sprained.

"The Flash is going to kick your ass," Iris promised the meta angrily when he walked past her with no sign of remorse.

"No one stands a chance against me," Samuroid boasted confidently. "I finished your smaller speedster. I crushed your weak police force. I stopped your dimensional manipulator. And now the Flash is hiding away nowhere to be found."

Iris gritted her teeth against the shooting pain in her hand and the fear in her throat.

"He's coming," she promised. Impressed that she almost sounded confident. "And he's going to stop you."

Iris assumed the distorted sound that came out from underneath Samuroid's mask was his version of a laugh.

"Flash will have to find me first," he said. He walked back towards Iris, stopping a few feet away from her, but she didn't back down. "And if he's not here in exactly one hour you will die. That will teach others not to try to fool me again."

Iris' mouth snapped shut.

She knew Barry would come back to himself as soon as he heard she was in trouble.

She believed it.

But, she couldn't help the ripple of fear and doubt that raced through her.

_What if he didn't?_

_What if the old Barry was lost to them forever?_

_What if he couldn't save her?_

The minutes passed like sand and before Iris knew it, Samuroid was back in the room, walking towards her as he slowly raised his sword.

"It's time," he bellowed triumphantly. "The Flash has failed."

Iris shrank back as he approached, closing her eyes so she wouldn't see the end.

She said a quick prayer that Barry wouldn't blame himself for this.

But, right as she heard the ringing of metal slicing through the air, Iris was pulled back and dropped gently in a pile of old cardboard boxes.

Barry crouched in front of her, his two hands steadying her as he looked her over carefully.

Iris saw Samuroid writhing on the ground behind him.

"Are you alright?" Barry asked, concerned. "Are you hurt?"

Iris shook her head. "I'm fine. I'm okay."

But, he looked at her wrist and saw the swelling and discoloration. "He hurt you."

"I'm okay," Iris repeated, her smile threatened to split get face and her eyes shined with joyful tears. "I knew you'd come."

And in spite of his worry, Barry smiled just as widely as Iris.

Before he could respond, however, Samuroid groaned and carefully stood back up.

And Iris didn't think someone in such heavy armor should be able to move that quickly.

Barry quickly looked Iris over once more before he turned back to Samuroid, stepping to block Iris.

The meta was barreling towards them, his sword raised once again.

Iris just managed to raise up her arm in defense when she blinked and suddenly found herself alone in the middle of a large field, hair blowing from a gust of wind.

She tried to get her bearings and let the world to catch up to her.

Another gust of wind a few seconds later and Barry was in front of her, slipping off his cowl and looking at her with a love so familiar, Iris' knees went weak.

Barry flashed to her side and held her up.

"It's okay," he relayed softly, misreading her unsteadiness. "Samuroid is in a boot at CCPD about to be on his way to Iron Heights."

Iris cupped his face with her hands. "Barry."

"I knew you'd come back to me," she whispered tearfully, not even acknowledging the pain from her wrists.

Nothing could stop her from touching him.

"Iris-" Barry started to advise her on going to get checked out, but it was no use when she wrapped her arms around him and tucked herself into the crook of his neck.

"I missed you so much," she said.

Barry sighed and closed his eyes, pressing a long kiss to her head as he pulled her even closer. "I'm sorry I got lost for a while," he whispered thickly.

"It's okay. It's nothing. _We're_ okay. That's all that matters," Iris promised happily.

Barry wanted to say more.

There was so much he wanted to tell her. So much he had to explain. But, he couldn't find the words.

But, Iris knew her fiancé. She knew how he always carried the weight of everything on his shoulders.

She shushed him and allowed them to bask in the moment, assigning all they had to work through to another day.

"You came back, Barry," Iris whispered back, running her hands through the back of his hair. "That's everything we need right now. You came home to me."

"Always," Barry vowed, squeezing her tightly. "I always will."

**Author's Note:**

> I made a tumblr! Same username, come say hi and please give me some tips, cause I'm pretty sure I'm already using it wrong. <3
> 
> **The celtic meaning of Donovan (which I headcannon Don's full name as) means "Strong Fighter."  
> And Dawn is straightforward. So Barry referencing a warrior, a sunrise and superhuman winds are all meant to be tornado twin easter eggs ;)


End file.
